


Big Dipper

by gettingaphdinlarry



Series: To Know Who I Am: The Diaries of Niall James Horan [5]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Exes, Friendship, Hiking, Love, M/M, Minnesota, Returning Home, Second Chances, Secrets, Truth or Dare, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 13:16:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18499729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gettingaphdinlarry/pseuds/gettingaphdinlarry
Summary: “It’s weird being here,” Liam said. “Things are the same but—”“Completely different?” Niall looked at Liam and held his gaze.Niall’s face was a soft pink in the fire’s light. He looked younger, and Liam had to look away as a memory washed over him. Niall was seventeen again, sitting on the damp rocks by the Mississippi River, the day they’d first gone hiking together. Liam still had the rock he’d picked up there, chock-full of fossils.::Liam and Niall haven't seen each other in years, until they go on a candlelit snowshoe hike together.





	Big Dipper

_February 2014_

Liam crouched down and tightened the snowshoe lacings over his boot. He pulled on the heel strap, trying to catch it in the latch. He didn’t want to take off his gloves, but he couldn’t seem to get—

“Do you need help?” Niall’s head dipped down, blocking the light from the trail center.

“I’ve done this a million times…” Liam tried again, and the strap slipped. “I don’t know what the problem is.”

Lies. The problem was Niall.

The light from Niall’s headlamp illuminated Liam’s snowshoe, and Niall swooped down, mumbling that he could help. In that moment, Liam finally got the strap in place. “Got it, thanks.”

“No problem.” Niall switched off his headlamp and stashed it in his parka. “Hopefully we won’t need this.”

Liam stood up and stepped in place. The first dozen strides in his snowshoes always made him feel like he was walking on boat oars. “When’s the last time you did this?”

“The last time I did this,” Niall picked up foot and looked at his neon blue and black snowshoe, “it was with those big wood and leather snowshoes, not these newfangled ones. In college.” Niall looked at Liam, then looked down and started adjusting his poles to the proper length. “I’ve missed it.”

“Well, you’ll like these.” Liam nodded and pulled his hat lower over his ears, pushing his poles into the snow, pretending to check the length. “You can walk more naturally in them. Want to go down to the river or do the bonfire first?”

“Let’s do the river first.”

“I’ve never snowshoed at night.” Liam pointed in the direction of the snowshoeing and hiking path. The groomed trail was lit by luminaries made of paper bags. Inside of each paper bag, a tea candle rested on a base of sand. “It’s beautiful.” 

“With your job? That’s… a little surprising.” Niall turned and started walking. “Can I lead?”

“Of course,” Liam said, following him.

*****

Even though Liam was an outdoors educator who spent hours at a time outside, the world could still take his breath away. Part of what he loved about his job was seeing the broad patterns of nature repeat without any _true_ repetition.

Tonight, Liam felt like he was seeing winter in a whole new way. He had dozens of night hikes under his belt, but most of them had been done in milder months, and he had mostly worried about his charges; tonight he didn’t have to worry about anyone else.

The moon was a thin sliver in the cloudy sky. On a summer day, with the trees leafed out, the moonlight would only help in open fields. But both the ground and the branches of the bare trees held a fresh coating of snow. The forest seemed to glow in a pale, soft blue light.

A few feet in front of Liam, Niall’s snow pants swished with an even stride. _Swish-swoosh, swish-swoosh._ Sometimes Liam could see the white clouds of Niall’s breath.

Liam stuck his poles in the snow with his own rhythm, left-right, left-right. If he were alone, he’d be moving faster. Niall’s pace gave him time to think. And to notice things, like how Niall seemed to have a harder edge to him. He was more guarded.

They’d dated their senior year of high school and throughout college, and when they were near graduating, Liam had expected… Well, he’d expected a lot.

But then Niall got into his dream MFA program in New York, near the big publishers and magazines and ‘New York, Li!’ And Liam had gotten a dream job California, ‘just for the summer, promise…’ which turned into a permanent offer. They were able to keep up a long-distance relationship for a while, but then…

Liam searched for jobs on the east coast—anything east of the Mississippi River, really—but nothing could compare to the mountains of California, the way the light glittered through the soaring sequoias. And Niall? He fell in love with the city, with the noise and the bustle and the quiet pockets the tourists never visited.

They both held on longer than they should have.

When everything finally, painfully, fell apart, Liam found solace in those same soaring trees.

Years later, after Liam took a job in Utah, he finally caved to his mom’s nagging and joined Facebook. Louis friended him almost immediately, and a few other people from college and high school found him too.

Really, Liam was just there to appease his mom, so he didn’t pay too much attention to any of it. (Anytime someone poked him, Liam rolled his eyes. Say something or stay quiet, he thought. What was the point of a _poke_?)

Months later, Liam spent a rainy day uploading weeks’ worth of photos. Before he logged off, he flipped through Louis’ photos. Lottie was married with kids, the twins were grown, and Louis was partying with some good-looking brun—

Liam inhaled sharply and leaned closer to his computer.

 _Niall_?

He was wearing a cable-knit sweater and brown horn-rimmed glasses. He looked fantastic, and happy.

And he was at a book release party. For _his_ book.

Liam’s heart jumped, and his fingers tingled. He closed the tab and stood up, pacing in his small apartment. He didn’t know if he wanted to scream or laugh. Niall had done it, he’d published a book. After all that time.

Liam sat on the edge of his bed, rested his elbows on his knees and laced his fingers together.

All those years.

Liam had taken on lovers since Niall, had ended up engaged even. But he always wondered what would have happened with Niall, if they could have found their lives in the same place, at the same time.

Liam had had trouble sleeping that night.

“Wait.”

Niall’s voice stopped Liam in his tracks. “You OK?”

“Listen.” _Hoo-hoo-whoo-whoo._ Niall turned toward Liam, his face almost entirely hidden in the shadow of his parka’s hood. “Hear it?”

“A great horned owl.”

They listened a little longer before Niall said, “We’re nearly at the river.”

*****

“It’s so bright,” Niall said.

The river stretched in front of them. Without the cover of trees, the moonlight was brighter here. The river was a thick ribbon of snow, with a few open water gashes.

“During the day, you can usually see trumpeter swans here,” Liam said. “You know, the big white ones?”

“I’ll need to come back during the day,” Niall said.

“Why did you come back?”

Niall laughed. “I could ask you the same.”

“I missed the cold. I missed the snow.” Liam cleared his throat. “When that job on the North Shore came up, well… I never thought I’d get it, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to apply. That’s how I ended up here, basically.” He tipped his head toward Niall. “You?”

“New York was too fucking expensive.” Niall twisted his pole in the loose snow, flinging little bits of snow in the air. “There’s more, but that was a big part of it.”

Liam tapped Niall’s pole with his own, catching it. The two of them wrestled each other’s poles for a minute.

“There’s more for me, too,” Liam said.

“Mm. There’s always more. Maybe you’ll tell me later.” Niall pulled his pole back and shivered. He looked at Liam and grinned. “Maybe I’ll tell _you_ later.” Liam chuckled, and Niall pointed his pole toward the trail. “Want to head back to the bonfire?”

“Yeah, and get some hot cocoa before they run out.”

“Hot cocoa?” Niall stepped back on the packed trail and called over his shoulder, “I didn’t know there’d be hot cocoa.”

*****

“Swiss Miss.” Niall handed Liam a cardboard cup of hot cocoa and sat down next to him on the bench. “Cheers.”

Liam laughed and bumped his gloved hand against Niall’s in a cold-weather sort of toast. “Remember when we had this with—”

“Bailey’s Irish Cream?” they said in unison.

“Good times.” Niall chuckled and held the cup with both hands. He inhaled deeply before taking a sip. Liam’s ex-fiancé loved Bailey’s. That was a problem, since it always reminded Liam of kissing Niall for the first time.

Liam blew on his drink, so he wouldn’t burn his tongue.

He wasn’t sure how he got here.

After finding Niall’s profile—and his book—Liam forced himself not to look at it again. He hiked, he kayaked, and he scolded teenagers who sneaked away to kiss in private.

Several months later, Louis tagged Liam in a photo, an old one from high school. Niall had commented on the photo, something about their hair. Liam held his finger over his mouse, hesitating, before he finally posted that he missed the flannel shirt he’d worn that day.

Over time Liam and Niall started interacting via Louis’ posts. A like here, a comment there.

And then, one day, Niall sent Liam a friend request.

Liam waited a few days before he finally confirmed it, then he held his breath as Niall’s full profile came up.

He spent the morning trying to piece together all the time he’d missed. Niall’s career had taken off. He was getting published in _The New Yorker_ and _The Atlantic,_ as well as lit magazines with ridiculous titles like _Ploughshares_.

Liam scoured Niall’s photos. Soon he learned some of the people in Niall’s inner circle: Amy was his editor, and Marco was his agent. And Nate? Liam wasn’t sure who he was. After more than a year of being in Niall’s photos fairly consistently, he never appeared again.

A few months later, Niall had announced he was leaving New York.

Liam sipped his cocoa and pressed the cup to his cheek, trying to warm himself. He looked at Niall. “Congratulations. On your book I mean.”

Niall turned, looking surprised. “Thank you. Have you read—”

“No, not yet—”

“—not that you have to—”

“—I’ve read what—”

Niall and Liam both laughed uncomfortably.

“You go first,” Liam said.

“I didn’t expect you to read it, it’s just—it’s a little weird, finding out friends have read it and there’s no good way to find out and—”

“I’ve read _parts_ of it, right? It’s the one you were working on, before?” He had read what Niall had shared with him, bits and pieces of the drafts. He’d read larger chunks when Niall was sleeping, curled up on his futon, snoring. That was when Niall couldn’t swat Liam’s hand, couldn’t tell him it wasn’t ready.

“Yeah, you’ve read parts of it.” Niall fell silent.

“Ni…” Liam didn’t know what to say. _Why did you change the title? How did you fix that part that kept bugging you? Did you keep my favorite part in?_

“Don’t feel like you have to read it, I’m not keeping score. But,” Niall grinned at Liam, “if you do buy a copy, buy a signed one from me.”

Liam laughed and said, “Noted.”

Niall took a drink. “My agent’s bothering me for another.”

“That’s fantastic!”

Niall sighed and shook his head. “It’d be fantastic if I could settle on an idea.”

“You’ll have another. Idea, I mean,” Liam cleared his throat, “you always had a million of them.”

“From your lips to God’s ears.” Niall shook his head and gulped down the rest of his drink. “Enough work talk. Wanna go to the bonfire?”

“Yep.” Liam finished his cocoa and handed Niall his cup.

“You lead.”

Liam nodded and stepped onto the trail.

*****

They warmed themselves up at the bonfire, standing close to each other, talking about how strange it was that they had both moved back to Minnesota within six months of each other.

“It’s weird being here,” Liam said. “Things are the same but—”

“Completely different?” Niall looked at Liam and held his gaze.

Niall’s face was a soft pink in the fire’s light. He looked younger, and Liam had to look away as a memory washed over him. Niall was seventeen again, sitting on the damp rocks by the Mississippi River, the day they’d first gone hiking together. Liam still had the rock he’d picked up there, chock-full of fossils.

“I knew things would be different, but I didn’t realize how long, what, ten, twelve years would be?”

“I know what you mean.”

The men grew quiet and warmed their hands by the fire. Finally, Liam said, “There’s one more little loop. Want to see it?”

Niall looked up at the sky and nodded. “Yeah, I do. Been too long since I’ve seen these stars.”

Liam led the way, and soon they found themselves on the edge of a small field, alone.

“Look at that…” Niall pointed. “Orion’s belt.”

The sky had nearly cleared, leaving behind thin grey streaks that radiated from the horizon. Liam wasn’t used to seeing the clouds like that so late at night, especially not in the winter.

“Look over there.” Liam pointed, and Niall stepped closer, brushing their shoulders together. Liam leaned against Niall and said, “The handle of the Big Dipper is going straight up and down.”

Niall tipped his head sideways. “You were always good at constellations.”

Liam chuckled, his breath freezing in front of him. “What makes you say that?”

“Oh, come on. Surely you didn’t forget?” Niall turned toward Liam. His hood was pulled up, but Liam could still make out the smile on his lips.

“No…” Liam shook his head, thinking about the time they went stargazing in the South Dakota Badlands, and what they’d shared in the tent afterwards. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. When he opened them, they were wet at the edges. Damn cold. He spoke quietly. “No, I remember all of it.” _Including that left-handed grip of yours, how different it felt from my own._

“All of it?”

Liam looked at Niall; a smile played on his lips and he had one brow raised.

Liam had returned to Minnesota first, and when Niall moved, they messaged each other a little more frequently. They kept saying they should get together, have coffee, catch up. But the suggestions were always loose, and nothing ever came of it. They were supposed to finally see each other at Louis’ birthday party, but Niall had gotten sick.

And then, yesterday morning, Niall had surprised Liam with a text message asking if he had any interest in snowshoeing.

Liam and Niall looked at each other for a minute, and Liam’s body ached to touch Niall. To kiss him. To see if he had changed, if he would taste different, if he would feel the same.

Liam took a deep breath and looked at the stars again. “Niall, I don’t know what you want—”

“Truth or dare?”

Liam closed his eyes. This is what Niall wanted right now? He took a deep breath. “Truth.”

“What do you miss most about California? Utah? Anywhere-but-Minnesota?”

“The sequoias. They make you feel like a miniscule speck on this planet,” Liam said. “Lake Superior does that, too. Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“What do you miss most about New York?”

“Being able to eat anything at any time,” Niall said without hesitation. “Still haven’t found a great Korean restaurant around here. Truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“Hmm.” Niall looked around. He pointed at the trees in the distance, across the virgin snow. “Dare you to race me across that field.”

“You want to break trail?” Liam took several steps away from Niall, giving himself space. “I’m game.”

“On your mark, get set,” Niall crouched down, “go!”

Liam ran across the field, taking small steps, only lifting the nose of his shoe enough to clear the snow. He knew how to break trail; he could win this dare.

Niall laughed and called out, “Shit! I forgot how hard this is!”

Liam turned and saw Niall struggling several feet behind him. He pointed to some closer trees to the left and called out, “C’mon! We’ll go for those trees!”

Niall laughed loudly, and Liam’s chest warmed at the sound. Liam reached the stand of trees first and touched the trunk of the closest one, inhaling deeply. He turned to see Niall walking across the snow slowly, panting.

When Niall arrived, he leaned against the tree. “That was a dumb idea.”

Liam laughed. “You forgot I do this for a living. Truth or dare?”

Niall shook his head, still breathing heavily. “Truth.”

“What was the ‘more?’ In moving back to Minnesota?”

Niall groaned. “It’s embarrassing.” Niall doubled over, his hands on his knees. When his breathing was even, he stood upright and leaned against the tree, looking at Liam sideways. “I was lonely. I didn’t feel like I had a real friend.”

“But all of those photos on your Facebook…”

“ _Real_ friends. I had friends, but… A lot of it felt fake. I missed people who knew me before the lit magazines and the book, before I had an agent.”

“Before you had brown hair?”

Niall laughed. “Yeah, that too.”

“I don’t think that’s embarrassing,” Liam said. “That’s kind of why I came back, too. I mean, not exactly.” He leaned against the tree, next to Niall, and looked across the field. “I missed the seasons, real snow, and I love the North Shore, you know that.”

“Yeah.”

“But I missed… This feels like home. Out of all the places I’ve lived, this feels most like home. And I think it’s ’cause of the friends I had here. I knew it wouldn’t be the same… Like most of my—our—college friends have moved, and I barely even see Louis—”

“He’s so busy—”

“Right, but it was… That’s it. This felt like home.” Liam glanced at Niall and then looked at the stars and shrugged. “I forgot to say truth.”

“What did you think when I invited you on this…” Niall waved his arms around, “candlelight hike?”

“Nervous.” Liam looked at Niall. “Curious. I’m still not sure why you did.” When Niall didn’t offer an answer, Liam said, “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

Liam thought for a moment. “Are you going to tell me?”

“Take a dare.”

“It’s your turn. You’re supposed to answer me,” Liam said.

Niall cocked his head and dropped his voice to a whisper. “Take a dare.” His eyes were wide, worried. “Please?”

Liam looked at Niall, trying to figure him out. “OK, dare.”

“Close your eyes.”

Liam’s heart pounded in his temples. He closed his eyes. “If you put snow down my back—”

Niall’s fur hood brushed against Liam’s cheek, and Liam wrinkled his brow for a moment.

His lips were gentle; his nose was cold.

Liam’s knees went soft, and he was grateful a tree was holding him up.

The kiss was long enough that Liam could taste Niall—the same, exactly as he remembered—but short enough to be a question.

Liam was slow to open his eyes.

Niall’s eyes were shining.

“I’ve missed you. That’s my—” Niall’s voice caught, and he swallowed hard. “I invited you because I’ve really missed you—”

“I’ve missed—” Liam shook his head and squeezed his eyes closed.

“—for years. I’ve fucking missed you for years, Liam.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, as always, to [myownsparknow](https://myownsparknow.tumblr.com/) and [louandhazaf](http://louandhazaf.tumblr.com/) for betaing this for me. I appreciate you both so much!
> 
> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> Come visit me on Tumblr, where you can find [a rebloggable fic post](http://gettingaphdinmomo.tumblr.com/post/184252037026/big-dipper).


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